On a hot summer's mid-afternoon...
I sat relaxed upon the couch, as on countless other times, thoughts stilled, when some happening in the chemistry of elements was altered and I found myself enveloped in THE LIGHT. A soft, golden pulsating Radiance, without glare, yet brighter than any color my senses had ever known. Pulsating movements, formless forms radiating ETERNITY.
I gazed in boundless penetration within the Universe; the Vastness that neither ended nor began. All that WAS, was contained within this Timeless, unmoving Infinity where all yesterdays, tomorrows, life and death, blended, merged into THE ONE. Thoughtless Awareness, more vivid and potent than sight, touched my contained-unbounded Being, filling it as if it were an empty vessel crying out in thirst. I, who had become a pinpoint of Awareness, gazed with sightless eyes within the SPLENDOR-OF-PARADISE. In awed fascination this mortal speck beheld the GLORY-OF-IMMORTALITY. As the RAPTURE partook of me, I became BLISS; composed of LOVE and HARMONY.
Clearer than the spoken word, THE LIGHT conveyed to my open, yearning senses the UNITY-OF-ALL. No one, no thing was separate, apart or alone. I softened, melted, fused. No space remained. No me, no you, no them or they - only ONE. The meaning of life unfolded and I, the speck, beheld the shimmering sparks surrounding ALL-THAT-IS. The seeds of LOVE and COMPASSION burst within as a morning flower; their fullness filling my matterless Being. Weeping dry tears, I sorrowed in JOY, for the BEAUTY-OF-BEING. I dwelled, a suspended, breathless speck, amid ALL - a wanderer who had returned for a short breath to the ETERNAL- HOME.
Out of the vague recesses of my awareness appeared a faint glimmer of duality and fear of departure grew in me. I cried out into the FULLNESS-OF-THE-ONE - not yet - let me remain! Too late - in an infinite blink, as the echo of my plea faded from awareness, my mortal eyes beheld once more the world of matter filled with the shadows of dusk. I sat stunned! What had happened? As my mind slowly regained its power to reason, it started trying to rationalize, to "make sense" of what had just occurred. But of course it could not. It was Intuition which assured me, that what I had just experienced had been benign - had been in my best interest.
Also, the Heart knew - such Love and Compassion, such acceptance of my Beingness, such a welcome of fellowship that I had just "Lived" - at wherever I had just been - was greater and truer and had more Reality and Value than anything I had experienced in the world of matter. I returned re-born with a new value system and a consciousness which now focused on the "inner life" rather than the "outer.” Of course I was still in the old world but no longer of it. I saw the old world from a new perspective, from above and outside of it. I saw myself also from a new perspective, from above and outside the old consciousness. In one sense, the old world, the old me were still there, but both were now overlaid by a new consciousness, a new angle of vision.
One of the most immediate realizations I had was that Death was a lie. Death did not exist except for the physical body. I realized that we were not the body. The body was a precious gift - the vehicle for our temporary sojourn on Earth. It is here on Earth where evolutionary changes occur, where opportunities are given to experience and learn, so that we can continue to evolve towards aware immortality. Death is only a thought - a collective agreement of reality - in the consciousness of duality. Time is the portal of Death and just as Death it is only a collective matter-bound reality. Time and Death exist to give stability and concreteness to dualistic consciousness and to help hold it together.
Two more realizations, which came to me within the next few days, were that my life-long sense of yearning and waiting for "something" had vanished and that loneliness had also gone. It had reverted back to aloneness but with this difference - aloneness was now filled with the living presence of my Higher Self.
Immediately after The Awakening my entire system "glowed" with a gentle, joyous vibration. The body felt light and airy. It was only the next day that it regained its "weight" and with that came an uncomfortable crawling-itching sensation, as if ants or lice were crawling on me. This crawling sensation was not an up or down movement but an itching sensation which was fixed in place. It was mainly concentrated on the scalp, with the itching particularly severe in the area of the cowlick and to a lesser degree across the forehead and on the arms. It became so severe and chronic that I could not rest or concentrate. In desperation, I would stand under a hot shower but this gave only minor and temporary relief. My reflex was constantly drawn to scratch till at times I drew blood. The urge to scratch posed a social embarrassment. The fear of not being able to control my reflexes often kept me confined to the house.
Having never heard about Kundalini, I at first never connected these crawling sensations with having gone into THE LIGHT. It was only about two weeks later when another phenomenon began. Hot and cold waves were coursing through the body. It was only then that I realized I was in the grip of a powerful force over which I had no control. These undulating hot and cold waves gradually turned into chilling currents of iciness, which kept me in a shivering state. In the heat of summer I was wearing layers of clothes. I stood in front of the heater but still could not get warm. At night in bed, the icy current began in the pelvic region. It would then separate and spread out over both thighs, travel up both sides of the trunk, then merge and cover the chest area. Milder currents would travel through the arms and lower legs. The current would rise up the back of the neck to the top of the head and then come down and move across the forehead. There it would form a "tight band" feeling.
When this happened, the eyes would begin "rapid-eye" movements and the ears would move up and down in unison. When up and involved in daily activities, the icy waves would be concentrated in the chest and arms. Several times I took my temperature but it always registered as normal. These waves continued for almost four months, recurring only on rare occasions over the next two years. Thereafter they stopped completely. On several occasions, I would be awakened by the shaking of the bed, only to find that it was not the bed shaking, but myself. It was an inner shaking, produced by a "humming" current which ran up and down my spine. This current was neither hot nor cold. It felt as if a "rod" of energy were running through the center of my spine, accompanied by a very loud humming noise which vibrated from side to side within my body.
During this same period I began to have severe pains in my left breast. It was constant for almost four months and continued intermittently for the next ten years. Tests for cancer or any other medical problems were negative. I had never been a particularly active person, but now I found myself compelled to be in continuous movement. I was so full of energy, I could not remain still. The physical body craved to exert itself, to go beyond its former boundaries. I exercised by dancing for hours, hiked daily in the mountains and went mile after mile under a hot sun without fatigue. The energy level was more than my body could contain. It had to be expelled. I know now that intuition guided me to this exertion, to this "load shedding". Without this act, I don't believe the body would have survived. The excess energy racing wildly and forcefully through my system would have "burned out" the nerve centers. The energy not released would have turned back on itself - invading the whole system with a poisonous "carbon monoxide”.
During this time of physical exertion, I felt a compelling need to be within the open spaces of Nature. I could not tolerate being confined to the indoors. I felt stifled. I could not breathe. I, who had always preferred cool weather, now craved the sun with an impassioned surrender. Every pore in the body opened to receive the heat and light of its nourishment. My whole Being needed the nourishment of Mother Nature - her peace, her all-enveloping caress - which cooled and calmed my strained nervous system. City life and groups of people sucked energy from my open and unprotected system as if the molecules of my physical body had been dispersed and not yet coalesced back together.
People's negativities and all man-made noises clanked and grated, leaving me tense and raw. The speed and vibrations of society were at that point poisonous to my well being. I had an urgent and compelling need for solitude. I needed to escape the world of the "mind”. I wanted only to swim in "mindlessness", only to BE. At times I questioned my sanity but faith in the authenticity and authority of "THE LIGHT" sustained me. When reasoning tried to pull me back into its familiar fold, I instead entrusted myself to the unwavering certainty of Intuition. I had recognized it to be superior.
Another phenomenon manifested itself. At once and without any warning my handwriting changed. My normal right-slanted, somewhat sloppy script had turned into a left-slanting, very precisely lettered script. I had to make a concentrated effort in order to revert back to my original script. However, as soon as I stopped concentrating, it would automatically return to its left-slanting style. This change of handwriting presented a legal problem. Several times my bank refused to honor my checks, thinking them to have been forged. It seemed that my hands had acquired a will and purpose of their own.
At this same time my hands began to move with graceful and rhythmic movements while I spoke. I watched in amazement, as quite independently my hands lived a life of their own. I was aware that others watched also. It appeared that these movements had a mesmerizing effect on people. Each word uttered seemed to have a specific accompanying movement. These hand movements lasted for almost two years and then stopped. My handwriting also reverted back to its original script.
I had episodes of suddenly being apart from the body, being somewhat above it and looking down. For instance: one day while washing the dishes, I suddenly realized with a shock that I was not washing them! My hands were washing the dishes - but quite independently and without any directions from me. I "stepped back" and watched in amazement as arms and hands washed away, making all the right moves without any conscious instructions from me. I watched the dishes being cleaned with precise and knowledgeable movements and wondered who was giving the instructions! This was my first aware encounter with the robot, which exists within each one of us.
There were other outward physical changes. People commented on my smiling face. Whenever I was filled with a gentle joy, my face would glow and an automatic smile would form of which I would be unaware. I would have to look in the mirror to confirm its presence. Often my pupils would be dilated. In fact, my eyes felt huge - as if blinders had been removed. The physical world felt wider, larger and fuller of images. I would often become aware of a "buzzing bee" sound. Its loudness would suddenly make me aware of it. This sound has never left me. It has become part of my consciousness. I generally do not even hear it unless I choose to tune into it.
Throughout the next two years, I had vivid dreams and visions. While sleeping, I would suddenly wake to awareness and realize that I was awake to my dream or vision. I was an objective observer while at the same time another "me" was a participant. These dreams/visions were always in acute, yet non-glaring colors and contained more depth of contrast and a greater reality than normal waking consciousness. These dreams/visions contained messages which were conveyed through scenes of dramatic symbolism. Even now, twenty-five years later, they remain etched into my consciousness. Time and events have proved that most of these visions were prophetic.
Now, I will try to describe what is indescribable. Words are only flat shadows when trying to describe the experience of Cosmic Consciousness and the Cosmic Reality. The first two years after The Awakening, I experienced euphoric moods of gentle joy, interspersed with elevated emotions. I was in a period of contentment and peace-of-mind such as I had never before experienced. At the same time, the juices of physical life were at their peak.
Suddenly and unexpectedly, I began to experience altered states of consciousness. Without warning I would find myself only partially in the physical world of duality - my awareness having entered and become focused within another dimension. This dimension held sway over the physical senses, dimming them into almost non-existence. As the old awareness of duality became entranced, it was slowly pulled and absorbed deeper into a realm which is beyond the comprehension of the old consciousness. The New Consciousness - Cosmic Consciousness - is an unfathomable depth of Meaningfulness where one is a Being of Fullness and Completeness - a Being of focused awareness without thoughts.
The first time that Cosmic Consciousness occurred was while I was driving my car on the freeway. By a very distinct “click” in my head, I was brought to an alert awareness of the fact, that I was experiencing an altered state. I came to the immediate realization that the environment around me had altered. The freeway, the traffic, the scenery and the fact that I was driving, had receded into the background. My awareness had shifted and was slowly deepening and melting into another realm; a realm of a heightened consciousness, containing a different value system, and one which was ultimately superior to the normal consciousness of duality.
At the same time I became aware that I was in a dangerous situation. My physical reflexes had almost disappeared. I realized that my car had come to a crawl with traffic whizzing all around me. I made a concentrated effort to reconnect my will to the physical body and made it drive carefully over and onto the shoulder of the road, where I stopped. Motor functions were severely impaired. Physical movements appeared to be in slow motion. I sat in stunned surprise, watching and marveling, as the deepening process continued to pull me into an unknown world. Yet, I did not lose complete touch with my surroundings. My awareness was functioning in two different realities at the same time.
After about fifteen minutes, my awareness seemed to have become static and to have stabilized between these two different worlds. Feeling that I had enough control over my will power, I continued to drive slowly and carefully to the shopping mall while acutely concentrating. My awareness was focused in two different dimensions. After exiting the car, the unknown consciousness reactivated and began to deepen still further, till I felt on the point of totally being swept away and loosing touch with physical reality. I felt disconnected from the body as my legs walked me slowly through the mall. People surrounded me but I felt removed, as if there were an invisible barrier between us. My thoughts had stopped. I was a lone Awareness in a Sea-Of-Tranquility. Suddenly, I felt my heart exploding! It melted and no longer had any boundaries. I felt myself to be swimming in a Depthless-Sea-Of-Connectiveness to all around me. I had become an overflowing outpouring of LOVE AND COMPASSION.
It took all my self-control to restrain myself from an overwhelming desire to enfold all the people around me into my embrace and to say to them that everything is alright; that all is as it should be; that there is a purpose for suffering. They all looked so miserable, so full of pain and so un-alive! The LOVE and COMPASSION - which my Beingness was - insisted on being expressed. Fearing that I would not be able to control my actions, I forced my body to walk out of the mall. There were further journeys into Cosmic Consciousness and they always came without warning. I longed for their coming, but at the same time was fearful of their unexpectedness, of being out in public; fearful of being swept away and loosing all control over myself. Gradually, Cosmic Consciousness came in a less dramatic and gentler fashion - no less potent but more balanced - allowing one to keep a more secure foothold in the physical world.
I also began to experience states of objective consciousness which occurred during normal waking hours and activities. The normal thinking processes would stop. I would become aware of and "see" into objects and event. I would see them, as they really were, without emotions or judgments imposed. As my objective awareness observed, I immediately "knew" the cause and the effect, the why and the how of the duality at play. I viewed dispassionately objects, people and events, as if they were mere projections on a screen - projections without any depth. It was a flat, gray and bleak world where people moved with robotic-like preciseness. Their faces were masks of unreality. They had little or no contact with their authentic Being because they believed themselves to be their masks.
I entered states of profound, abstract revelations. Once, in a laundromat, I would suddenly find myself transported into a realm of abstract knowledge. There I saw our Earthly existence as a mathematical construct while layers upon layers of knowledge flashed through my awareness. At times, I wanted to hold on to a concept to explore it further. But in a flash it sped past and the next concept would hold my attention. This knowledge was like ambrosia; sensual food for the intellect. I would gladly have remained in this Satisfying and Exhilarating realm of understanding, wishing for nothing else. During this state the laundromat and the body had completely disappeared from my awareness. I knew myself to be only an objective, hyper-alert observer.
The first two years after The Awakening were full of biological changes. Fortunately, at that point in time, I found myself without major responsibilities. I had the privacy, solitude and time needed to follow and carry out the promptings of Intuition. Intuition was my only guide. I had moments of wondering if I was going mad. I was tempted to go see a psychiatrist but Intuition warned against this. Whenever I allowed the "reasoning faculty" to over-rule Intuition I soon paid for it with emotional turmoil. I "knew" the only certain course lay in complete surrender to my Higher Self. That was my only assurance that I was moving in the right direction. Whenever I was at a critical juncture, Intuition came to my aid. It was only years later that I knew for sure, that had I not surrendered to Intuition's guidance, I would not have survived.
Once the biological transmutation had calmed and stabilized to the point of no longer interfering with daily life, the emotional transformation intensified. Whether this was by a timed design or because all my efforts and focus had been on the physical body, I do not know. I had been living in isolation as much as possible. I had shut myself off to anything which threatened to pull me away from the harmony and joy within which I was living. The outer life held little meaning. It was the inner life, which held my attention, my Heart and my commitment. Of course I knew it was only a matter of time before I would have to reenter the fray of society. I had fears of whether or not I would be able to reintegrate - or if I would even want to do so! Events did conspire to draw me back into the outer life. I was now confronted with relationship matters: the focus being on coming to terms with my failings and correcting them and learning how to balance non-attachment within a world which is steeped in attachment.
Tears are needed to open the Portals-of-the-Heart and Love keeps it open. My Heart had opened and the pain of the world gushed in. I traveled through many valleys of tears before realizing that this openness could destroy me - unless I found a method for controlling the inflow of pain - without "shutting off.” I had to find a way of transmuting, of elevating the lower emotions into Higher Values. Quite unknowingly, I had chosen the Tantric path - the way of the warrior. It is my nature to meet everything head-on, to give all my energy towards resolving conflicts. I have never been comfortable with repressing or denying the "what-is.” I have been blessed with the trait of willingness which gives impetus and strength to meet the challenges of inner adversities. In order to transmute emotions, one must live one's "knowing”. I had to put all my "knowing" into practice, dealing with all my emotions, finding their cause, admitting to their effects and finding my "blind spots.” I had to determine if these emotions were authentic or mere sentiment. Often, what we feel to be an emotion is mere sentimentality which belongs to intellect and not the Heart.
The Higher emotions belong to Heart - Love is the flame. It is not enough to understand intellectually, for that is a sterile endeavor. Knowledge must be channeled through the Heart if it is to acquire Life and the Will-To-Action. It is Heart which gives birth to Wisdom and Compassion. It is this Wisdom which transforms the lower emotions into Higher Values. All Higher Values such as Love, Joy, Trust, and Compassion are unconditional and undiscriminating. One cannot be a little-bit loving or a little-bit trusting. There are no degrees in the Higher Values - they are Absolute!
The old world had become too small to contain my expanded vision. There had been a reversal of values, with the Higher Values now predominating. For some time, the old value system became completely meaningless and at times even repellent, when viewed from the gap between the two worlds. When viewed from the heights of the New Consciousness, the old dualistic values appeared like "much ado about nothing,” like shallow molehills in comparison with the Himalayan depths of the Higher Values. It took some time for the maturing of my understanding and to overcome the egotism of my thinking - "that now I knew" - , before realizing that the values of the lower self also had a grand and far reaching purpose. That life here on Earth is a schoolroom for the evolving Self. That physical birth is a great gift, giving us the opportunity to experience and to learn. It is only here, within this realm of matter, that evolutionary transformation is possible. It is only within the struggle of duality that we are able to effect change and evolve into our full potential as an Aware, Immortal and Autonomous Entity.
After Self-Realization, one must learn how to dwell within two distinct and radically different "realities.” One must continue to function in the old - giving "Caesar his due" - while at the same time one must continue to grow - by moving ever deeper into the depths of the New Reality - into the Glory of the New Consciousness - into the Higher Values - which shine with Eternal-Radiance-Of-Infinite-Truth. To have life - is to have consciousness. To "Be" Life - is to have awareness. The purpose of evolution is to attain to ever more awareness. To have more awareness is to have more freedom. Each level of awareness contains its own world, its own reality. Jesus of Nazareth said, "In my Father's House there are many Mansions.”
After birth into Self-Realization, one does not automatically become a perfect Being; far from it. One is now glaringly aware of one's own ignorance and imperfections. One can no longer hide from one's motives or the disparity between one's intentions and one's actions. With this new birth has also come a heightened sensitivity, making one more susceptible to pain and suffering. Fortunately, one has also acquired a deeper depth of endurance and faster recuperative powers which shorten emotional and mental distress. One must find and walk the middle path between the old man and the New, charting a new course of awareness and balance between the two - the one which is being left behind and the New one into which one is being absorbed. There occur gaps between the two worlds when each one is distinctly felt and in conflict with the other. But mostly there are varying degrees of over-lapping. Each step out of the old is one step further into the New. Retreat back into the old is no longer an option, for one's roots are now embedded within the New Consciousness.
To acquire ever more freedom from the old world of duality, one must continue to make ever deeper inroads into the New. This is done by bringing the Higher Consciousness down into the coarser vibrations of the lower self. Through this meeting and merging the finer vibrations will absorb and transmute the heavier ones. This transformation can only occur within the realm of the lower self. The transmutation must proceed at a slow and steady pace - if the lower self is not to be obliterated or the physical body damaged. For a permanent change in consciousness to occur, the lower man must actively and in full awareness, participate in his transformation. He must bring the Higher Consciousness into his daily life. For the New Values must be lived in order to deepen into maturity. There are stages - stepping-stones - which have to be touched and crossed. There are needed periods for fermentation, assimilation and adjusting, for the construction of a new cohesive state of Being.
The medium by which the lower self makes its transmutations is through the physical body. A new physiology is required for residency in the realm of Cosmic Consciousness. The dense cellular structure of the matter-bound body of the old man acts as a barrier between the old and the New. The old body must be cleansed of its denseness. New circuits must be opened and established to allow the body to sustain the higher frequency vibrations of which the Higher Realm is composed. Only after the old physiology has been completely transformed, can one "slip over" for permanent life within Cosmic Consciousness. Till this transformation is complete, each entry takes a toll on the physical body. When one returns from there, the body feels that a drain of energy has occurred. A lassitude is felt. This normally takes a few hours to recover from. This is why in the beginning a lengthy stay is not possible. The body needs to attune itself by slow degrees.
The oscillating states, which occur between the two worlds, provide the opportunity for making this adjustment. There also exists another danger for the old body. While having one's awareness in Cosmic Consciousness, the physical body leaves one's awareness. It moves and functions under its own volition. This disconnection poses a threat to its safety. One is unaware of its needs and most dangerously of all - one does not care! For one is now living in Total-Perfection-And-Satisfaction. Fear does not exist and neither does desire. One glides in an Ocean-Of-Invulnerability in which Acceptance and Surrender are integral elements.
There exists yet another danger for the lower man: Cosmic Consciousness strips him of the personality-ego. It hones and bares him down to his essence, leaving him will-less and vulnerable to an induced hypnotic state. He must not allow himself to be swept away and to be obliterated by the Transcendent Bliss nor become addicted to Its siren call of sensuousness. If he is to attain to being an autonomous and self-directed Being, he must keep a firm hold on his Am-Ness, remaining in full awareness of his Self-Hood - just as two lovers who feel as one, yet at the same time, each remains aware of their own individuality. Intuition is the language of the New Man and it is the transitional language, the bridge between thinking and "direct knowing”.
"Direct Knowing" is the matured language of Cosmic Man. Cogitation will no longer be needed and will drop away. This direct knowing is the Stillness-Of-Pure-Awareness. This Pure-Consciousness is our real Immortal-Beingness. The New Man is still, yet, only a transitional Beingness. He is the last and highest form of Man - existing in a gross physical body - within the realm of mind and matter. The realm of Cosmic Consciousness is the bridge between the world of matter and the Transfinite Beyond. Even Cosmic Man, when His evolutionary moment arrives, will continue on ... on the Great Journey into the All of the All. Transformation will come to all. It will come whenever each one's ripeness reaches its peak. We are all ONE! We are all on the same Great Journey. We all breathe the same breath and all throb with the same heart-beat. We are all longing - to reunite with our Completeness.
As I now look back down the tunnel of past events, which shaped the days of this Earthly life, I can see that all seeming disadvantages were actually advantages for reaching my evolutionary goal. All steps led to this one purpose - to make a leap out of bondage and a leap into Freedom. Our life on this Earth is a journey of exploration, a journey into the unknown - - - of our Self. It is a journey for achieving ever more autonomous Beingness, while at the same time ever more ONENESS. We rediscover that we are a Spark-Of-The-One. In time, this spark will evolve into an autonomous wave - within THE-GREAT-OCEAN-OF-BEINGNESS.
WHERE WORDS LIVE NOT
All is but a –coming when we meet
How many times before, have we so done
In all our many plays
That face to face, we knew each other not
But within the DEEPS where words live not, we knew
What joy! When eye met eye and glimpsed BEYOND
Into the DEEP of BEING
That once before, I knew thee
But then - - - - - - did we really ever part…..
All is but a-going, when we part
How many times before, have we so done
To leave the stage and all our myriad plays
How we held fast to each other
In bitter-sweet dance
Not always knowing the tune
To which we stepped
And when the music stopped
Did we not stand mute - - - - - - hands clinging……
All is but a-coming and a-going
that break, will mend again
When once again we meet
And in the very DEEPEST
With fond remembrance, we greet
So touch me light, in fond farewell
Then let me go, for we know well
That all is but a-coming and a-going